Sitting on a bench…

Sitting on a bench by the seaside.
Listening to the soothing sounds of the waves.
Letting the wind and the last timid ray of sun caressing tenderly my skin.
Letting random thoughts pass in my mind like the rare white clouds across this still clear blue sky.
Letting the energy and peace of this quiet time permeate my body and my heart healing my thoughts, my words and my behaviours.

These were 10 minutes I could have studied or done something instead I choose to let life be around me, to flow through me and in me and in this 10 minutes of silence and inaction I learn more than in hours of studying and doing.

I will need to let the wisdom that is already in me talk and guide me.
I will need to trust the real and authentic me and to trust life.

It is amazing the transformation that happens in our mind when we finally start again to trust life, to remember what is really important and to let go of the misplaced desire to achieve some superficial, materialistic and ephemeral rewards and recognitions.

Be your wonderful imperfect self, you are worth it and enough.
Be kind to yourself especially in the moment when you are down.

Embrace life.

Fly without regret.

Allow yourself to Fall, then Pick yourself up, Comfort yourself and Fly again.

Embrace your failures as much as you embrace your successes, they are all part of you are, but you are also a lot more: you are big as the universe and small as a grain of sand.

(10/09/2015)donabate beach

donabate beach 1

You get what you get…

You get what you get and you don’t get upset.

It amazes me how wise and profound children can be and while we try to guide and support them if we are open and humble enough, we can actually learn so much from them on how to regain those important skills necessary to be happy, that sometimes life and too often well-meaning grown-ups made us forget, like asking with ease and spontaneity for what we want and for help when we need it, showing our sadness and sensitivity, sharing our feelings and ideas with the people we love and giving them frequently and in tons hugs and kisses without embarrassment or fear of rejection.

Recently, during one of her early morning chat under the duvet, my daughter recited me the short rhyme: You get what you get and you don’t get upset, which has then caused me some deep self-reflections and to which I started adding some of my own short verses and then Francesca and I started adding some more together, it resulted in this little, probably, silly poem that we don’t care that doesn’t rhyme because we had fun putting it together and it is for me a good reminder of what I need to remember:

You get what you get and you don’t get upset.

You like what you like and, even if it is not cool all, you are not ashamed about it,
You are how you are and you do not need to apologise or make excuse for being far less than perfect,
Even better, you are how you are and you like it,

You are who you are and if you stop pretending to be different you can be happier and free,
Even better, you are who you are and you actually love it,
You are who you are and you love people and want them to feel loved,
You are who you are and you love all animals especially kittens, ponies and horses,
You are who you are and you love the red heavenly scented roses, the wild tiny mushrooms and all the various berries, herbs, flowers and little trees growing and blossoming in your garden and around you,
You are who you are and you love rivers, lakes and especially the sea,
You are who you are and you love colours and the rainbows after stormy days,
You are who you are and, as crazy as it can sound, you believe in angels, unicorns, mermaids, fairies and magic,

You are who you are and you are grateful for it because all is more than ok in this moment in time in your life and this is all that really matters.

Maria

(23/11/2015)

rainbow 3

Insomnia.

 

My insomnia is a sickness of the heart. It is the sadness that I escape during the day, but that I cannot escape during the dark hours of the night, when everything around me is silent, naked and suspended. It takes me by surprise while my guard is down and I am most vulnerable, it shows its ugly face in my dreams and it wakes me up in the dark and in the silence that feels overwhelming and desperate in its absolute hollowness and absence of distractions. It wakes me up, it makes me restless and edgy but without the will to do something valuable with myself too often I end up trying to avoid it by feeding my silly “addictions” that helps me temporarily to numb the feeling, to silence the obsessive thinking. Everything can become an addiction and turn into poisonous and destructive habits, including reading, when it takes over the necessary rest, or eating when is mindless and extreme.

During the day, I escape the sickness by immersing myself mindlessly in the busyness of the daily life activities: some apparently important and other menial and boring. They make me feel better than facing the frustration and sadness of living a life that is not meeting my deepest and truest needs and wants that are instead left unheard and untold, locked in the deepest corner of my heart.  It takes courage to bring the deepest needs and wants in the open air. It takes courage because if I let them out I know that I might have to change my life, break my false sense of balance and safety and possibly let go of something I have built for years without any guarantee of success or happiness. And for now it seems that I am not so brave at all.

So I keep going during the day and barely surviving the nights. I add one day after another to the life that is gone, to the life that is at my back and that is now already my history, and at the same time, I take away a day at a time from the time that is left of the life that is still in front of me, for me, to live. And in this way, I waste my precious time, which is the only treasure I really have and that I don’t even know if it will last another hour, day, year, another decades or more. This is a fool way and the night sickness is trying to wake me up from my numbness, from my mindless living, but I still stay deaf to its messages.

My night sickness is the expression of the deepest sadness of my true self who is calling for my attention, for me to be courageous and make the changes that can free my spirit from this vicious circle of mindless tired daily living and insomniac nights.

My night sickness is a call for purpose and meaning above security and safety.

Sleep will continue to desert me, peace and joy will not come to me, if I don’t listen to the wordless and soundless scream of my spirit that tells me to follow the path of my heart, which is different for everybody and which nobody else can show me, because I need to create it for myself.

(04/03/2016)

In the Audience.

I sit in the middle of the audience, I’m only one of hundreds/thousands/millions that comes regularly to watch the show, to listen and to be enriched by the talent of the persons on display.

I’m as necessary and as exceptional as them, without me, without each of the persons in the audience the talent of those persons would be like not existent, because their talents need an audience while they are alive or even after their deaths as happened so frequently in the past for now very famous artists.

We live in a society that exposes us continuously to the exceptional talents of few, that glorifies the single at the expense of all others, incites all of us to compete against each other and to laugh callously to those who are not talented but are either delusional about their abilities or desirous of  a moment of glory at any cost. We don’t realise the damage that we do to ourselves and the cost of the fleeting pleasure of those unkind laughs, because those spiteful laughs are directed at us, because we are like those normal persons without exceptional talents we are those persons that are just normal. This continuous search of the dream is part of our inherent unhappiness and frustration. We have been raised believing that if we work hard we should be able to reach everything, that success is the compensation for talents and greatness, that it is important to follow your dream because people that follow their dreams do exceptional things, achieve exceptional greatness and if we don’t reach any big success then we obviously feel like failures. But all this is a big fat lie. There are many people that reach success are not talented or particularly great, if we were governed by great and talented people that world would not be in such a desperate conditions. Ant let’s not forget that in today’s world, there is not talent without an audience, there are probably billions of people that have died unknown not because they were not talented or exceptional but because they didn’t find an audience for their greatness even post-mortem.

I’m starting to like being the on sitting in the audience. I’m starting to understand that there is immeasurable  value in being the listener, the reader, the observer, the person able to appreciate somebody else efforts. By finally understanding this, I’m giving myself permission to simply be my normal special self, so that I can stop being frustrated, envious and unable to appreciate the beauty created by other because I wished it was me who was the talented great one creating something that other can appreciate.

Comfortably and happily sitting in the audience does not mean that I’m giving up in a creative process but more that I’m embracing it without expectations that someday they will give me recognition and simply enjoying the process in itself of creating, writing or drawing something to share or not to share.

(16/03/2016)

The thirteenth Mandala: Sangha

 

This week Mandala is about “Sangha” (a word that I’m probably not using fully correctly here in this post but I still liked its meaning and sound), the community with whom we share our path.

Interconnections, intertwined unique equal hands, individual different petals of a single flower.

Many, all unique colours but the same, separated but one.

The light of the energy of belonging, connecting and sharing flows and heals the heart.

If we share our path with companions who are on the same journey, we find in this connection, in this belonging, that our own strengths, our own uniqueness and richness grow and shine even more.

ps. I wonder if we are free to use words we like in the way we like even if they were not intended for that use? being aware of using it maybe inaccurately and admitting it is it enough to excuse what some could consider an “abuse”? can we all consider ourselves poets with some special poetic licence to use words as we think we need?

ps. (added recently after having realised I misspelled the important mysterious word to me that I used in this post) Errors happen and vulnerability is showing up and having misspelled the important word we wanted to use. Our errors keep us humble and grounded but cannot be the reason for harsh self-judgement or for going into hiding or for giving up. Our errors keep reminds us the importance of a beginner’s mind and the kind attitude we have with beginner we need to learn to extend it to ourselves.

(22/04/2016)

Mandala - 13

Twelfth Mandala: A flower

This week Mandala is a flower.

It is the flower that blossomed in the midst of confusion and mind wandering in obsessive negative thinking. It is a flower born out of the practice of trying to come back to presence stubbornly regardless of the distractions, the restlessness and the lack of faith, of the practice of coming back to the basics to your breath and easy to remember powerful mantras that even it feels like an empty, unclear and imperfect efforts you continue to come back to them because as behind the clouds the sun still shines, beneath the feelings and thoughts of emptiness, confusion and desperations there is still the bared, simple and perfect truth that is the real you.

it is an imperfect flower far away from the perfect one that inspired it, and it is the result of an imperfect practice and imperfect hands and vision, but it is ok. I’m far away from being perfect and my path is possibly to learn to be ok with my imperfections.

(16/04/2016)

Mandala - 12

The original flower. Nature is so perfect!!!

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Eleventh Mandala: Say Yes To

This week’s Mandala is a Yes Mandala.

This week I exercised with the simple but revolutionary power of the word Yes and while drawing this mandala I kept repeating each single Yes I was drawing and colouring with my total presence, with a sense of lightness and some little smiles not to become too serious about creating the best drawing, but maintaining the focus on what is most important.

I noticed already in the past, that often while I’m drawing these Mandalas, my breathing slows down and becomes more deliberate, conscious and in harmony with the process of drawing and colouring and in this particular case also in harmony with my repetition of the many Yes I was drawing, thinking, saying silently and feeling vibrating through my full body.

The text below inspired me and made me see more clearly that I need to say Yes and that saying Yes to is a positive act of courage and creation.

“Prayer consists of only one single word. That is the meaning of AMEN: it means yes.

If you have said yes with your total heart, you have said all that can be said, that need be said.
If you can say yes with your total heart, you are in celebration.
If you can say yes to existence, you have arrived.

Get deeper and deeper into yes.
Say yes to each and everything.
Say yes to good and bad, to day and night, to summer and winter.
Say yes to success and to failure.
Say yes to life and to death.
Forget everything else; just remember one word: yes, and it can transform your whole being, it can become a radical change, a revolution.”
Osho – THE SUN RISES IN THE EVENING – Chapter 4: Learn to Breathe this Air. Question 8
(http://oshosearch.net/…/Osho-The-Sun-Rises-in-the-Evening-0…)

p.s.: This Mandala project is teaching very important things about myself, the latest is that the belief that I cannot draw is not entirely true and that I can, in reality, draw something I like and it is meaningful for me. Already few years ago, when I decided to create my own bridal bouquet with crystals of my choices, I learned that the limiting belief that I was not a creative or a skillful person was not entirely true either, because since then I let myself trying to create things out of my ideas and I found out that creating something for yourself without thinking about others’ opinion is quite liberating. I now believe that we are all creative if we simply let ourselves take the risk to be and we are honest in our motivation, we can all create something we love and in the process free ourselves from our own self-limiting beliefs.

(07/04/2016)

Mandala - 11