Sometimes I feel as if I can see clearly the path in front of me, sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes there is no vision and no idea of what should be the next step, the next colour, the next pattern to add.
Sometimes, even though I dream that one day I will do something very special, I accept and live with my more than imperfect efforts and creations.
Sometimes I feel like I have met a wall on my path and I’m tempting to judge myself harshly and simply stop and hide, but I still want to honour the commitment I made with myself even if it is hard, scary and might seem a useless effort.
For this reasons, I feel that leaving this Mandala incomplete, for now, is the right way to represent my emotions, my thoughts and my vision in this right moment. But also because this is also a What If Mandala. What if, the right way, is this unclear, imperfect and unfinished way? What if, something, sometimes, does not need to be completed or special? What if, stopping where I am, without forcing myself to find a way forward, is the right thing for me now? What if life, as it is now, is perfect as it is? What if this is the moment to sit still with the openness I can experience when I have not yet put the final stroke on a Mandala or the final dot on my writing?
One part of this Mandala is complete, it shows two movements: one inward of deepening towards the core, it is the journey of self-discovery that is a life-long journey, one outward is an expansive movement, it is the journey of connection with the Universe I live in and that is alive in me.
The second section is complete but not coloured yet, it represents pieces that I can visualize but are still vague.
Finally, there is the last section that is only drafted in pencil that is still very fluid, barely visible, representing the still very fluid and blurred essence of my overall vision of my path.
So, leaving this Mandala incomplete is not a failure for me, but
It is an act of acceptance of my imperfections and flaws and of the moment as it is with its uncertainties and few achieved understandings,
It is an act of openness to all the possibilities that are not yet clear to me but I have faith that they are and will be available to me if I have the courage to let myself being open,
It is an act of patience, to pause and sit still, even if all in me tell me to move and to find a way, and to wait for the right time for completing it, for understanding a clearer picture before acting and trying to move forward,
It is an act of kindness and of taking care of myself, to hold on, but lightly, to what I think is important so that I can let go what I need to let go and
Finally, it is a small act of courage to let my words and my drawing out in their incompleteness and imperfections against my own internal judging voice.
Recently, I read something about patience which I found quite inspiring and clear for me, here are few lines I extracted from the book “Practicing Peace in Times of War” by Pema Chödrön
“… patience means just slowing down … -just pausing – instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You are not suppressing anything, patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself… Developing patience and fearlessness means learning to sit still with the edginess of the discomforting energy… When we stick with this process we learn something very interesting: there is no resolution for these uncomfortable feelings… There is a basic ignorance about the truth of impermanence, the truth of the fleeting groundless nature of all things… We discover that joy and happiness, a sense of inner peace, a sense of harmony and being home with yourself and your world come from sitting still with the moodiness of the energy until it rises, dwells, and passes away… ”