These were the last two Mandalas of 2016. I finished them few weeks ago, but I struggled with the search of meaning for a while.
Sometimes I wonder what really exists, what is the meaning of what I do and if everything needs to have a purpose or being successful.
If I left these Mandalas as just drawings in my private sketchbook on my desk, would they really exist and a have a meaning? In today’s world, does anything exist or have a purpose when it is not shared?
Ocean of ideas, thoughts, stories, projects or drawings that they did not live or go Beyond the daydreaming phase, do they have a purpose? One day I open my eyes and years, decades have passed and every ideas, thoughts, stories, project or drawings only existed in my dreams becoming arid and sad as desert of meaningless regrets and wasted time.
I do what I can, in the way I can and at the right pace for me and even if I might want to be different and I might dream something different, I need to live accepting who I am and to be grateful for my life with lots of apparently meaningless and mediocre moments and less than talented hands or minds, leaving my soft footprints on the sand that will be washed away at the first wave of a rising tide.
After another sleepless night during my last episode of depression, one morning I woke up from a brief unsatisfactory sleep with the vivid memory of a quite different dream. I tried to grab its images that were quickly fading away from my memory because I felt that that dream was important, and I wanted to remember it in some way and so I translated what I remembered of that special dream into a Mandala.
I dreamed of a little boat in a stormy sea, a boat that had left a safe harbour to face dark immense and terrifying waves. A person is on the boat, in my dream, I fear for that person, I worry that she or he, I cannot see clearly who is, will become lost in that unfriendly sea. For a while, it feels like everything is lost for the person in the boat. Then, suddenly, everything becomes calm, the darkness disappear replaced by an explosion of vivid and shiny colours in multiple tones of blues, greens and silver and right in the middle of the sea sitting on a rock there is an ethereal glowing creature, maybe she is an angel or a siren. The person in the boat dissolves into the warm and peaceful embrace of the creature, her or his heart becomes part of that still universe and starts beating the same single heartbeat. At the end, there is space only for a profound peace that comes from having faced the darkest hour and navigated the stormy sea to reach a safe harbour.