Healing multicoloured light flowering from the core wound of the open heart:
Flower of Red Fire sparks a Flow of Yellow Energy that feeds Seeds of Green Life, growing petals reaching out to the Blue Sky in an Explosion of Violet Life Wisdom, it then bows back to the original fire that continues to burn and feed a looping process of growth and deepening.
“If we are strong enough to be weak enough, we are given a wound that never heals. It is the gift that keeps the heart open.” (from The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer page 36)
Should there always be a purpose behind our activities?
Should there always a meaning in our being here and now?
Can it just be enough to draw something without looking for a deeper meaning beyond the enjoyment of drawing it?
Can it just be enough to write something without trying to make any sense out of it beyond the fact that we felt like writing some random thoughts?
Sometimes I feel inspired, and sometimes I think is all an illusion. sometimes I feel like I’m finding the way to manage this anxiety that in some way colours my life and that I can be something different that my anxious self, sometimes I feel fragmented, like there are fragments of dreams, thoughts, stories and poems never voiced, of future, past and present, fragments of me, which do not seem to make sense together, but then things that I did not consciously put together if I do not give up and I continue to try to piece everything together with patience and time a meaningful picture arises, a picture I could not see or even imagine before.
This is a bit what happened a bit with this two Mandalas. One had been left unfinished for quite some time and the other one I had just finished it but I could not understand what it represented for me, what made me drawing in it and colouring it in the way I did, nothing was emerging from it. Then I’m not sure why, I looked at my previous drawings in the sketchbook and I stopped on the one that I left unfinished and I started to add colours to it. Eventually I realized that the two Mandalas together had a sense for me. That sometimes things they are not clear on their own they need something else. Like this two Mandalas needed each other to be complete for me.
And this is a bit what happened with a photograph of some clouds I took some time ago and some random thoughts I wrote recently, that for me they kind of fit together.
So here my random thoughts, the two Mandalas and the photograph.
A colourful garden is blossoming from the well of my creativity. Like love creativity grows with its use, more we give love more love we have to give. More we use our creativity more it blossoms in something new, we could not even imagine before, it opens new paths, it offers new perspectives and it brings a new sense of balance and fulfilment.
the importance of what I create is in the action itself and in the emotions I feel while I do it more than in the drawing, is in the new ideas that are born from it.
Often, it takes time and a series of trial and errors to find what type of activities really appeals to us so much that we will stick to it because we simply enjoying do it. It happened this with drawing Mandalas and it is now happening with this combination of mindful walking and poem writing exercises (Haiku) from a book I was recently reading (Writing your way by Manjusvara – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7546923-writing-your-way?from_search=true). Paying attention to my surroundings while walking provided inspiration for short quick lines and for the smile on my face. The short poems that were popping up in my mind will probably look silly or not perfect to everybody else, but they gave me joy and this is what was important for me.
This is my mindful walking exercise and Haiku Practice:
One morning, on our way to school Francesca and I:
Behind the veil and web of intricate thoughts and stories, I tell myself, lies my deeper truth.
The intricate web of stories and false beliefs I created to protect my deeper vulnerable self from disappointment, shame and ridicule from protective shield became a prison.
If I can go beyond the superficial layers of desires and values that I believe to be mine, can I uncover what really lies at the core of my own life?
The process of uncovering the truth is a life project. It requires courage, patience, dedication and faith to navigate through the moments of weakness and doubts. Piece by piece I reveal the true colours behind so much darkness, I untangle little pieces of deceits and pretence and a different picture starting to appear.
“If I had the power to live the life I wanted to live, well beyond the boundaries of what I know to be realistic, almost like if in a dream where even the most trusted law of physics does not have to count, what life would I create for me? Would I fly without wings? Would I travel the world fearlessly? Would I believe myself as a worthy and lovable person? Would I find happiness in who I am more than in what I do?
Would I fly without wings?
Would I travel the world fearlessly?
Would I believe myself as a worthy and lovable person? Would I find happiness in who I am more than in what I do?
Would I find happiness in who I am more than in what I do?
It is a different Mandala or maybe not. I’m not sure if it is different in a good way or not, but in this journey I’m trying to accept all of them, to bring all of them to the light: the ones I love, the ones I feel connected with, the ones that I understand and the ones I’m not sure I fully understand or that leave me a bit perplexed or unsure.
I’m sharing all because this is a journey where every effort count, every step even the smallest one has a significance in creating my big picture because all my “successes” contain the myriad of small failures and hard work before them.
In this Mandala, like in this journey of self-discovery and self-coaching that I’m journaling through Mandalas, there are different at times contrasting patterns, different stages connected and at times opposing or hiding from each other.
Like this journey sometimes it seems I have a clear sense of direction, an empowering vision of the arrival line, other times out of the blue I find myself lost as if around me a scary forest populated by imaginary unknown beastly threats has appeared, sometimes it feels like I’m expanding beyond my usual self and a deepening reaching the most secret part of yourself. It is a continuous flow like in a river at some points almost calm and shallow in other becomes agitated deep but always moving. And around these continuous flowing of ideas and changes, some very small others more important, walls are starting to crumble. Some walls are still quite high and strongly in place, but the small changes that I’m in my life are starting to bring them down and the lights are starting to filtrate and bring luminous sparks in what used to feel like a very dark night, the dark blue almost black of the sky is fading into lighter tones of blues.
It is a Nostalgia Mandala, it contains some of the colours of the summer holidays of my youth in Salento:
The different tones of pink for the flowers of the oleanders that flourish easily there along the roads, by the sea and in gardens;
the intense yellow of a summer Sun that burns hot, proudly alone in the clear blue sky completely free of any cloud;
the green of the sea close to the shoreline progressively darken into blue as the sea deepens and becomes open and appears limitless;
different tones of grey, ivory and brown for the local traditional walls that separate the different plots of land, made of stones held together by nothing else than their clever disposition aside and above each other in a game of fine balance;
the brown almost red of the soil burned by the sun that turns almost black when the too dry grass is burned by the too frequent fires which leave in the air along with smoke and heat its pungent odour;
the dark green and brown of ancient olive trees with their intricate trunks each a masterpiece of nature and of the pine forests that surrounded by the intense sounds of myriad of cicadas sometimes lead to the clear and blue sea.
A short journey of the senses in my past to cherish a special kind of sweet melancholic memories, which, purified from the ordinary sadness or disappointments of the daily life now treasures only the good and happy moments.
This mandala and this post were difficult because I didn’t feel I had something to say or that I was particularly inspired while drawing, so I was a stuck in a place of self-judgement, then I decided that I had to let go of my self-consciousness, of my need to be taken seriously and not laugh at, that I had to take the risk to look like a “fool”, of not being understood, of looking like an imperfect average person that can write with incorrect grammar confused thoughts and stories, can draw skewed lines and average, not-inspiring even ugly Mandalas.
Sometimes I feel I have something to say, sometimes I feel like what I draw is beautiful, other times I feel stuck with not inspiration but I continue doing it, because there is always some lights that can shines brightly through an average non-inspiring drawing or posts, because if I only write or draw something when I think I am inspired or I can do something good I might end up questioning all the times what I do and I will eventually let the fear of what others might think of what I do dictate my choices and erase all the enjoyment I feel while writing or drawing.
In the middle of lots of average moments, writings and drawing a light can start shine anytime, and I cannot know if and when this will happen, for this reason, I will keep going and I will continue to fight against my natural tendency to compare what I do with others and to judge myself and my efforts and just do what I wish to do, write or draw for the sake of doing them, for the pleasure they give me, and why not for this week just to get un-stuck.